|"Species confirmation is right around the corner... I can feel it!" declares 40-year veteran field researcher Tom Friend. "I may have the reputation of being wily and elusive, but I can't remain hidden forever..."|
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Bigfoottracker.com's Rick Dyer SO hot on trail of sasquatch that his RV bursts into flames on Florida Interstate!
|Dire Dyer Fire in I-4. Proof positive that some internet squatchers will do anything for media attention.|
We're happy to report that none of Mr. Dyer's family, friends or pets were harmed during the conflagration that shut down a Florida interstate on Thursday evening, but the internet is buzzing with speculation about the origins of the mysterious RV fire that consumed all of the controversial bigfooter's "equipment" --from night vision gear to rumored high-powered rifles, giant gas bombs and buckets of roadkill-- and just what he was doing in the Sunshine State anyway. It was largely believed that Dyer was headed north to Canada to actually hunt down and kill a sasquatch, as proclaimed on his website, but since Canadian officials had responded to worried queries from others in the bigfoot world about the boast with outbursts of raucous laughter and promises to detain Dyer at the border, it now appears he was rolling south to the safer, warmer confines of Florida for a relaxing vacation instead.
|The equally notorious Tom Biscardi holds up the most ironic image in bigfoot history.|
Followers of bigfootology will recall that Rick Dyer was one of the infamous "Georgia Boys" who brazenly attempted to hoax the world with a cheap bigfoot suit stuffed with roadkill innards, frozen solid, and sold to the astoundingly credulous (and some say complicit hoaxter) Tom Biscardi for $50,000 in the fall of 2008. Years of claims, counter-claims, badly-spelled blog attacks and low-grade documentaries have flown between the principals in the affair as a result, keeping the level of discourse slightly more entertaining than pro-wrestling shout-downs and chair-braining.
Follow the link below for the latest chapter in the continuing drama, replete with requisite media smirking!
Friday, February 17, 2012
The heavens opened, choirs of hirsute angels sang and newly-minted money fell from the skies over Louisville, Kentucky earlier this evening when the blogger known only as The Heretic forged an unprecedented bond between the worn out Jersey Shore-inspired internet meme COME AT ME BRO with an image from a 1976 bionic bigfoot episode of The Six Million Dollar Man.
History truly is made at night. Often by the really, really bored.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
|Russian supermodel Kira Plastinina models the offensive outerwear.|
In yet another brazen move towards World Bigfoot Supremacy, Russian fashion magnate Slava Zaitsev unleashed his spring line of authentic Yeti fur coats and wraps on an Omsk runway yesterday. During the 30-minute refueling break of a local air show (actual aircraft runways are utilized in Omsk as those are the only kind available) Zaitsev's models preened and pouted while showing off the shockingly dull but near-priceless line of matted, smelly pelts, before dashing off the tarmac to allow a tight formation of Sukhoi S-37 fighters to blast skyward.
Rumor has it that the controversial furs actually allow the wearer to obtain paranormal abilities like invisibility, invulnerability to bullets, thought-transference and the ability to walk through walls, but the powers seem to keyed and activated only by the personal beliefs of the lucky high-party women who can afford them. The international bigfoot research community was collectively stunned by the show of force, yet made no formal statements. The leading Russian authority on wild men, Igor Burtsev, also could not be reached for comment as he was last reported to be somewhere in Michigan, USA, untangling miniature ponies from curious stick structures. Oddly (or maybe not so) the only bigfoot personality on hand for the event was the notorious Tom Biscardi, who had already reportedly inked a deal for clothing distribution in the United States. "We're gonna make a killing!" were his only words.
|Tom Biscardi and shorn Yeti companion Olga Ungabunga in Omsk.|
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) officials world-wide condemned the exploitation of what could possibly be one of the rarest and most endangered species on earth, but admitted they could make no formal protest until the status of the Yeti and other sasquatch-like beings was determined to be that of animal or human. A frustrated Nadia Hovenka, Moscow-based spokeswoman for the organization, declared "We keep trying to pin down the so-called experts on the subject, but none respond to our calls or emails as they seem to be constantly tied up on facebook arguing the matter!"
Sunday, February 5, 2012
World shocked! Papa proud! Chowbambi proclaimed first authentic hybrid offspring between bigfoot, deer... and maybe moose by top scientist!
|"It not pretty, but it obviously mine." confessed Bigfootses Mindspokesperson Chowbunga earlier today.|
Established science bowed to overwhelming evidence of diverse interspecies breeding today as the offspring of Chowbunga and one-- or possibly two-- unidentified females took its first wobbly, unsure steps out of the cave of its father and promptly defecated on centuries of entrenched belief.
Revived after a celebratory stickbending binge, the slightly inebriated sire of the oddly-configured hybrid admitted he had no real idea of the maternity of the child and said he would trust only the opinion of renowned ParaExoBiologist Angela Asston in the matter. "Me not remember much about rut, to be honest." remarked Chowbunga. "Much drinking. Many woodland creatures. Me do remember gripping antlers with both hands at some point, but rest is blur."
Interviewed while boarding a plane in Mississipi to join the proud but bewildered papa, Asston stated "I will say that I think it's highly possible there is some paranormal activity going on there and my experience with BF is special powers are often involved in our case claims."
Asston, readers will recall, was recently embroiled in the highly controversial and technically unexplainable analysis of a trail cam image displayed on the internet as possible evidence of a shapeshifting cow/deer hybrid that left half the scientific world stunned while the other half collapsed in paroxysms of laughter. In the case of Chowbambi, however, it seems the paranormal may finally have the last laugh.
|Foreshortening or foreshadowing of things to come?|
Thursday, February 2, 2012
|A horrific scene captured by cell phone from a Portland, Oregon real estate office where three blobsquatch-obsessed workers perished during an unauthorized coffee break earlier this morning.|
Business offices and private homes around the country deluged police and medical authorities with emergency calls this morning reporting wide-scale carnage and gruesome casualties in the wake of several individuals opening their facebook accounts and discovering that they had been added to no less than 80 new bigfoot group pages.
A shaken and gore-drenched Mary Fosdick related the shocking events to Heretical reporter Pat McDung:
"My husband Tim checked his gmail account first thing this morning... like every morning... and he spat coffee all over the keyboard when he found his mailbox overflowing with comment notifications from (sob) facebook groups he'd never even heard of. He had just been added to SO many without even being asked and.. and... he just started shaking and screaming 'They're all the same people saying all the same things!!!' and then... and then... his head just exploded."
"Like-this-comment overload" has been determined as the official cause of death in most cases, ranging from exploded craniums to spontaneous human combustion to at least six cases of victims simply hurling themselves out of nearby open windows. Officials are monitoring the situation and advise internet bigfooters to go outside, get some fresh air and perhaps find another hobby.
|Friends don't add friends to groups without asking.|