Saturday, April 14, 2012

Chowbunga reminds groupies, squatchettes he is still available for stud service!

With the spring sasquatch rut season still in full swing (and the Heretical Bigfoot offices in temporary skeleton crew mode) our primary correspondent and Bigfootses Mindspokesperson Chowbunga reports that there is still "plenty where that came from" and invites the ladies to join him for drinks and frolic in the back of his vintage 1977 custom van Rolling Musk, currently found parked behind the Forest Lodge Motel on Highway 96 in Happy Camp, California!

Chowbunga says "Like Millenium Falcon. She may not look like much, but she got it where it counts."  

Chowie also wishes to clear up some misinformation and rumor that has run rampant through the internet squatching world of late.  As to the stories that his sexual prowess has suffered due to encroaching competition from outsiders from the North:

Chowbunga: "Yeah.  Right.  Me hear Yeti just as broken down as him van.  Next question."

And as far as his recent trip to the Mercy Medical ER in Siskiyou County:

Chowie:  "Yes, it true.  Me almost choke on shoe.  In fog of passion, me get confused and think "tips" mean "beef tips" and make mistake.  It happen to us all.  Me little hoarse but get back in saddle next day."    

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Chowbunga reviews Ancient Astronauts/Bigfoot crossover show... sort of.

Chowbunga joins the ranks of blobsquatchery.  Admits defeat.

"Me try.  Me really do...  But me admit me have hard time keeping track of what show about because hair of host human Giorgio have hypnotic effect.  Me swear me see Chowpappy and Chowgranny in him coif-- but HOW POSSIBLE!?!  They long dead.  Then see cousin and old girlfriend and other bigfootses me not know cavorting through Giorgio's locks and give up all hope of show make sense!  What look like small piece of pie lodged in him beard really tiny baby squatch like William Evans always see.  Me have to lie down..."

When pressed for further details early this morning, Chowbunga merely shrugged and said "Me no know.  How they all get in man's hair?  Maybe Aliens.  Respect to Giorgio, though, him powerful meme."

Check out to conduct your own research and uncover the truth.

Monday, March 5, 2012

After cheap fireworks show fails to attract sasquatch, FINDING BIGFOOT team vows to pull out big guns!

After rousing only a pack of appreciative coyotes with a fireworks display during last night's Indiana-based episode, Matt Moneymaker and crew have declared that the third season opener of Animal Planet's FINDING BIGFOOT will feature more than bigfoot ever bargained for: the firing of a self-propelled M109 Army Howitzer! 

All intelligent animals move towards fiery explosions and loud noises which could be perceived of as an attack.

"If this doesn't shake the fuzzy bastards into view, I don't know what will!" shouted James "Bobo" Fay during a test barrage at the United States Army Field Artillery School at Ft. Sill, Oklahoma earlier today. Rumors that the light-suited Utah chapter of the Flying Elvises skydiving team are being held in reserve as a possible future sasquatch attractant remain unconfirmed at press time.

Big guns for bigfoot: Size comparision of squatch, M109 and average human.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Bigfoot community in violent uproar over ridiculously clear and focused picture of possible sasquatch!

The shot seen 'round the web.  Courtesy of Melissa "Hellcat" Hovey.

By now you've all seen it and probably had your eyebrows singed off by the firestorm of controversy this image has generated, but bigfootologists and squatchbloggers in every camp-- from the hoaxer-in-a-suit to the real-deal-out-for-a-meal, from the neurotoxic rhododendron to the luscious loquat, from the sincere- investigator-just-looking-for-an-answer to the cackling-villainess-out-to-get-rich (Oh yeah, lotta bucks in the bigfoot biz, just ask my broker.  Not.) -- ALL agree on one aspect of the startling photo:

It's just too freakin' CLEAR.

Almost offensively, obscenely so.

So in the interest of honest scientific inquiry and an effort to restore some semblance of order to a world shaken, stirred and completely unaccustomed to clarity and focus in imagery related to their elusive quarry, the staff of Heretical Bigfoot have contracted with renowned Sasquatometrist Dr. Evan Williams to reduce the image to acceptably viewable levels.  Using the latest in his patented "de-enchancement" technology coupled with heavy ingestion of cheap beer and medical-grade marijuana, Williams will reveal the hidden mystery this picture so desperately needs to be embraced by all.

Dr. Williams dons his specially-filtered eyewear.

Stage 1:  Clearly outrageous.
Stage 2:  Williams adds realistic blur with noticeable results.
Stage 3:  Tree branches and custom degradation bring the image to life.
Stage 4:  Hand notation and viewing instructions reveal the figure in all its glory!

Is everybody happy now?  We know we feel a whole lot better and are now prepared to join Facebook/Find bigfoot in their coveted A+++ rating of the de-enhanced image as completely authentic!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Bigfooter reveals conclusive evidence of his own existence!

"Species confirmation is right around the corner... I can feel it!" declares 40-year veteran field researcher Tom Friend"I may have the reputation of being wily and elusive, but I can't remain hidden forever..."    


Saturday, February 18, 2012's Rick Dyer SO hot on trail of sasquatch that his RV bursts into flames on Florida Interstate!

Dire Dyer Fire in I-4.  Proof positive that some internet squatchers will do anything for media attention. 

We're happy to report that none of Mr. Dyer's family, friends or pets were harmed during the conflagration that shut down a Florida interstate on Thursday evening, but the internet is buzzing with speculation about the origins of the mysterious RV fire that consumed all of the controversial bigfooter's "equipment" --from night vision gear to rumored high-powered rifles, giant gas bombs and buckets of roadkill-- and just what he was doing in the Sunshine State anyway.  It was largely believed that Dyer was headed north to Canada to actually hunt down and kill a sasquatch, as proclaimed on his website, but since Canadian officials had responded to worried queries from others in the bigfoot world about the boast with outbursts of raucous laughter and promises to detain Dyer at the border, it now appears he was rolling south to the safer, warmer confines of Florida for a relaxing vacation instead.

The equally notorious Tom Biscardi holds up the most ironic image in bigfoot history.

Followers of bigfootology will recall that Rick Dyer was one of the infamous "Georgia Boys" who brazenly attempted to hoax the world with a cheap bigfoot suit stuffed with roadkill innards, frozen solid, and sold to the astoundingly credulous (and some say complicit hoaxter) Tom Biscardi for $50,000 in the fall of 2008.  Years of claims, counter-claims, badly-spelled blog attacks and low-grade documentaries have flown between the principals in the affair as a result, keeping the level of discourse slightly more entertaining than pro-wrestling shout-downs and chair-braining. 

Follow the link below for the latest chapter in the continuing drama, replete with requisite media smirking!


Friday, February 17, 2012

Heretical Bigfoot writer inexplicably the first to apply tiresome "Come at me bro" meme to bigfoot!

The heavens opened, choirs of hirsute angels sang and newly-minted money fell from the skies over Louisville, Kentucky earlier this evening when the blogger known only as The Heretic forged an unprecedented bond between the worn out Jersey Shore-inspired internet meme COME AT ME BRO with an image from a 1976 bionic bigfoot episode of The Six Million Dollar Man.

History truly is made at night.  Often by the really, really bored.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Russians make latest desperate grab for Bigfoot glory with Yeti high-fashion line! PETA mortified!

Russian supermodel Kira Plastinina models the offensive outerwear. 

In yet another brazen move towards World Bigfoot Supremacy, Russian fashion magnate Slava Zaitsev unleashed his spring line of authentic Yeti fur coats and wraps on an Omsk runway yesterday.  During the 30-minute refueling break of a local air show (actual aircraft runways are utilized in Omsk as those are the only kind available) Zaitsev's models preened and pouted while showing off the shockingly dull but near-priceless line of matted, smelly pelts, before dashing off the tarmac to allow a tight formation of Sukhoi S-37 fighters to blast skyward.

Rumor has it that the controversial furs actually allow the wearer to obtain paranormal abilities like invisibility, invulnerability to bullets, thought-transference and the ability to walk through walls, but the powers seem to keyed and activated only by the personal beliefs of the lucky high-party women who can afford them. The international bigfoot research community was collectively stunned by the show of force, yet made no formal statements.  The leading Russian authority on wild men, Igor Burtsev, also could not be reached for comment as he was last reported to be somewhere in Michigan, USA, untangling miniature ponies from curious stick structures.  Oddly (or maybe not so) the only bigfoot personality on hand for the event was the notorious Tom Biscardi, who had already reportedly inked a deal for clothing distribution in the United States.  "We're gonna make a killing!" were his only words.

Tom Biscardi and shorn Yeti companion Olga Ungabunga in Omsk.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) officials world-wide condemned the exploitation of what could possibly be one of the rarest and most endangered species on earth, but admitted they could make no formal protest until the status of the Yeti and other sasquatch-like beings was determined to be that of animal or human.  A frustrated Nadia Hovenka, Moscow-based spokeswoman for the organization, declared "We keep trying to pin down the so-called experts on the subject, but none respond to our calls or emails as they seem to be constantly tied up on facebook arguing the matter!"

Sunday, February 5, 2012

World shocked! Papa proud! Chowbambi proclaimed first authentic hybrid offspring between bigfoot, deer... and maybe moose by top scientist!

"It not pretty, but it obviously mine." confessed Bigfootses Mindspokesperson Chowbunga earlier today.

Established science bowed to overwhelming evidence of diverse interspecies breeding today as the offspring of Chowbunga and one-- or possibly two-- unidentified females took its first wobbly, unsure steps out of the cave of its father and promptly defecated on centuries of entrenched belief. 

Revived after a celebratory stickbending binge, the slightly inebriated sire of the oddly-configured hybrid admitted he had no real idea of the maternity of the child and said he would trust only the opinion of renowned ParaExoBiologist Angela Asston in the matter.  "Me not remember much about rut, to be honest." remarked Chowbunga.  "Much drinking.  Many woodland creatures.  Me do remember gripping antlers with both hands at some point, but rest is blur."

Interviewed while boarding a plane in Mississipi to join the proud but bewildered papa, Asston stated "I will say that I think it's highly possible there is some paranormal activity going on there and my experience with BF is special powers are often involved in our case claims." 

Asston, readers will recall, was recently embroiled in the highly controversial and technically unexplainable analysis of a trail cam image displayed on the internet as possible evidence of a shapeshifting cow/deer hybrid that left half the scientific world stunned while the other half collapsed in paroxysms of laughter.  In the case of Chowbambi, however, it seems the paranormal may finally have the last laugh.

Foreshortening or foreshadowing of things to come?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Scores of internet bigfoot enthusiasts killed in avalanche of facebook group page adds!

A horrific scene captured by cell phone from a Portland, Oregon real estate office where three blobsquatch-obsessed workers perished during an unauthorized coffee break earlier this morning.

Business offices and private homes around the country deluged police and medical authorities with emergency calls this morning reporting wide-scale carnage and gruesome casualties in the wake of several individuals opening their facebook accounts and discovering that they had been added to no less than 80 new bigfoot group pages.

A shaken and gore-drenched Mary Fosdick related the shocking events to Heretical reporter Pat McDung:

"My husband Tim checked his gmail account first thing this morning... like every morning... and he spat coffee all over the keyboard when he found his mailbox overflowing with comment notifications from (sob) facebook groups he'd never even heard of.  He had just been added to SO many without even being asked and.. and... he just started shaking and screaming 'They're all the same people saying all the same things!!!' and then... and then... his head just exploded."

"Like-this-comment overload" has been determined as the official cause of death in most cases, ranging from exploded craniums to spontaneous human combustion to at least six cases of victims simply hurling themselves out of nearby open windows.  Officials are monitoring the situation and advise internet bigfooters to go outside, get some fresh air and perhaps find another hobby.

Friends don't add friends to groups without asking.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Grab those cameras and hit the streets: It's National Gorilla Suit Day!

Was Don Martin trying to tell us something?
The Heretic is no slouch, so in the fine old web tradition of ripping off other folks' content, he'll just lift from Tom Richmond's terrific blog entry (which you can find a link to below) to lay it all out for you: 

"Yes, it’s that day again… the national holiday that isn’t officially recognized (yet) but one we all look forward to the other 364 days of the year. Yes, its National Gorilla Suit Day. What is National Gorilla Suit Day??? Are you joking?!? It began, as almost all nonsensical and idiotic things do, with MAD magazine artist Don Martin. A series of cartoons in the 1964 book Don Martin Bounces Back! concerns the misadventures of Fester Bestertester and his railings against various gorilla suit companies and the holiday National Gorilla Suit Day. Proving that Don Martin was about 40 years ahead of his time, his National Gorilla Suit Day paved the way for lesser imitations like National Talk Like a Pirate Day..."

So it's the perfect day to spot a squatch-- or a reasonable facsimile of one-- and gain temporary internet fame and fortune (followed swiftly by derision, defamation and unbridled hatred) by posting any blurry pix you might snap!

Sources close to the Sasquatch People have mindwhispered that it's common to find real bigfootses lurking among the hairless population on this day, cleverly disguised in cheap, shoddy gorilla suits, so we highly recommend loitering in large public restroom facilities to pounce upon potential authentic specimens who may choose to relieve themselves there.

This could be your lucky day.  Or not.

And, finally, there is strong corroborative evidence that the late Martin was aware of this bigfoot custom, as illustrated by a telling panel from his original 1963 research illustration:

For more info on this glorious but little-known holiday visit:  but don't mention us.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Shocking Revelation: Jon-Erik Beckjord alive and well and living as a bigfoot on Earth's moon.

Long-range Hubble telemetric scan of Apollo 12 landing sight.

On the heels of Newt Gingrich's announcement that he would build an operating, fully-manned moonbase by the end of his second term if elected President of the United States, NASA today unveiled the startling image of what appeared to be an enormous sasquatch track crossing the known pathways of Apollo 12 astronauts from the 1970 lunar landing mission.  As part of a continuing effort of the space agency to debunk claims by conspiracy theorists that the moon landings were hoaxed, images of the original landing sites viewed by a specially-tasked set of lenses on the Hubble Space telescope are being regularly released to news agencies. But the seasoned team of scientists were unprepared for the discovery of the apparently fresh print earlier this week and the truly bizarre events which followed.  Visibly shaken imaging analyst Mark Williamson attempted to explain:

"The print came up on my scope and then wavered and became what appeared to be a size 13 low-cut hiking boot, then back to a bigfoot print.  At the same time a strange voice began speaking to me over my headset and I only had time to jot down a few words before it faded away into hysterical laughter."

Formerly deceased bigfoot researcher Jon-Erik Beckjord in a quieter moment.

A high-level security clampdown on the contents of the message was immediately instituted, but reporters for The Heretical Bigfoot were able to mindspeak with anonymous sources to produce a short, startling transcript:

Ha Ha Ha  It is I, Jon Erik Beckjord! I have slipped the bonds of space-time and now manifest myself on earth's moon to show you (garbled) dumbf**** and b**** who is right about EVERYTHING and always was!  You will never find what you are looking for in your own dimension so come and get ME I dare you Ha Ha Ha Ha Sorry about the name calling, sincerely, but you are all such stupid a**** and I can hold my breath for years here so f*** off...  Ha Ha Ha H

In possibly related developments, millionaire bigfoot research financier Wally Hersom was spotted Wednesday at a joint Lockheed/DARPA launch vehicle assembly plant with his famous "Bigfoot Express" hot-rod in tow.  Rumors that the '32 Ford was being retro-fitted with solid rocket boosters or possibly an even more exotic powerplant have been flying on internet chatboards and blogs and Animal Planet today announced casting calls for a new reality show called "Who Will Be America's First Bigfooter in Space?"  More details as they emerge.

To boldly go where no squatcher has gone before?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Chowbunga responds to gossip about possible alien DNA presence in adjacent human genome!

What they mean when they say DNA in my junk?!?

In response to articles coming out of Canada (see link below) and rumors of odd strains of apparent extraterrestrial origin turning up in sasquatch samples submitted to the Ketchum DNA Study, Chowbunga issued the following terse statement this morning:

"What all this hubub about alien DNA all mushed up with mine!?! I never even touch that big-eyed grey girl! At least me think not. It was big party... many Chowie groupies... much to drink... hot tub.  Me pee in cup if you want but talk to me lawyer if want more words!"

Chowbunga then went on to elaborate, with visual aids, about just what he looks for in a possible mate:

Not really me type.
Really not really me type.
OK, me tap that.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Chowbunga, Ketchum team up old-school superhero style to put hurt on Romney!

In response to president of humans candidate Mitt Romney's recent remarks about the absurd possibility of bigfoot being a hoax, Sasquatch DNA analyst and Chowbunga supporter Dr. Melba Ketchum issued the following smackdown on her facebook page:

"Rowwr!" say Chowbunga.

"I can't help but wonder what Romney will say when all is said and done. You can bet the news media will remember his comments and they will come back to haunt him, LOL."

Chief of Owl Tribe and Bigfoootses spokesman Chowbunga had typically harsher and more directly threatening words for Romney and the rest of humanity:

"What Melba say!  But forget comments, it ME Mitt have to worry about haunting him-- like maybe in woods or dark alley.  Gingrich (me not say what that name mean in native tongue, but think in terms of "open marriage with ferret" huh-huh) no better, so maybe me pick up Newt by ankles and swing him like club to SMASH Mitt and eliminate two men with silly first names with single blow!  God bless America."

Me thank you for your support.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Controversy erupts over claims of possible Bigfoot language!

It's language, but it's harsh, experts admit.

The fur and expletives flew at a recent conference on bigfoot studies in Yakima, Washington when sound and language analysts announced shocking evidence of a richly structured, wide-ranging vocal vernacular for the Sasquatch People.  The only apparent drawback is that the language is largely composed of foul and mean-spirited observations on humanity and the experts are hesitant to release transcripts of the translated tongue-lashings for fear of inciting throwdowns and payback on the woodland smartasses.

A partially censored transcript of a sasquatch conversation from October of this year is reproduced below:

"Did you see the f------ s--- the habituators left last night?!  G-- d---- mother f---- pieces of s---- better get off their a----"

Astounding as it may seem, the sasquatch are talking.  But they are talking smack and really need to shut up.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Anguished hiker sues habitual blobsquatcher: "Can't see the trees for the red circles!"

52-year-old outdoor enthusiast Martin Powell has filed a lawsuit against "bigfoot researcher" Steven Hoyt Marcum for allegedly ruining his enjoyment of nature's rich pageant.  Powell is seeking damages in excess of $100,000.00 for mental cruelty and suffering at the hands of the blobsquatcher for exposing him to "Red circles, arrows, and figure outlines" that he insists he now can't get out of his mind when walking through the woods.  When questioned about the charges outside of the Muhlenberg County, KY courthouse, an enraged Marcum responded "They're everywhere!  I've always seen them!  Are you blind?!?! There's one NOW!" whereupon he produced a tube of red lipstick and drew a circle on the forehead of reporter Randy Fox.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Prankster submits hair sample from 1976 Bigfoot Halloween Costume to Ketchum DNA project. Stunned when confirmed as authentic.

"100% authentic!" reports Robert Lindsay between posts about Catholic high school girls.

Hoaxer Evan Burnette was floored when the plug of synthetic crepe hair from the 36-year-old Ben Cooper kid's costume was confirmed authentic Grade-A Bigfoot in a registered letter from  DNA Diagnostics, Inc. earlier this week.  He immediately listed the full costume on eBay with an opening bid of $100,000.00 and is preparing to leave the country once payment clears (and before the full study is published).  Rumors that a Swanson Salisbury Steak TV Dinner and a roll of pre-1920 Buffalo nickels also tested positive for unknown hominid DNA remain unconfirmed.

The real deal?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

When the going gets tough, the research gets half naked.

Back, and to the left.  Back, and to the left.  Back, and to the left.

There comes a time in the quest for truth when you just have to lean back from the screen and ask yourself "Did I just read the words 'Crotch Location Concern' while looking at a faceless chick in her underwear doing the PGF strut?  Shouldn't I maybe go outside and play catch with the kids or work in the garden or... or... ANY of those things I used to do?"  Science is a harsh mistress.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bigfoot remains an unconfirmed species while asshole Texans exist in vast numbers.

Bigfoot walking away?

 A recent facebook exchange between famed Russian hominologist Igor Burtsev and "a fan":

Igor Burtsev: I dont understand, what is impressing here, sorry...

BG:  you might have to enlage it some to see it clearly. that black shape in the top was a bigfoot that my dad bob garrett caught on his cell phone as it was walking away from him.

BG:  I was in a part of the sam houston froest that is closed until oct 1 to jan 1 it is thousnds of acres.I was in the hunters camp when I smelled rotten eggs and I heard something comeing this thing blow passed over the road and I snaped this pic of its back. Blow it up and look again please

Igor Burtsev:  I understand so, that black is a spot on the bark with some leaves in front of it, nothing more, sorry. Or do you think that BF was hang up on the tree?

BG:  well thinks for looking at it.

BG:  well to be truefull i asked for your input becuse iam a fan i didnt know you were going to be such an ass about it i wont bother you again.

Igor Burtsev:  No matter, you are welcome!

We rib Igor from time to time for his association with "crazy-sasquatch-lady" types, but props to him for maintaining a classy cool while dealing with this Neanderthal.  You will note that Igor's command of English is also vastly superior.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Canadian cartoonist with hard-to-spell name still at the top of Chowbunga's reading list!

Forget all of those dusty tomes of eyewitness reports and boring trackways and toss that new age pandimensional diaper-wearing Kewaunee Krap out the window. Graham Romui... wait... Romieux... no... Roumieu's (?) hysterical trilogy of Bigfoot's soul-baring ruminations on life, fame, sex and mortality are the funniest things ever put on paper-- as well as the most scientifically accurate.  They're SO funny they are dangerous, and several people have nearly choked to death while laughing at their content.  Trust us, we have seen it. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Know your Squatch.

 Irrefutable evidence of... something ugly.

More bad news for Forest Friends: You're Bullshit.

From a site about Amerindian religion: "Unfortunately, the term "shamanism" has been misused in popular culture for many years. The entertainment industry has used "medicine man" and "shaman" interchangeably (and usually inaccurately) to describe holy men and women of Native America. The public began to assume that "shaman" was a Native American word, and that "shamanism" was a universal Indian Religion—but there is no universal "Indian Religion." There are hundreds of Indian Nations in North America, each with its own culture, language, and spiritual belief system. Many of these Nations are very different from one another in their religious traditions, and none of them describe their beliefs as shamanism."

Recent independent research has revealed the true definition of the word "shaman" to be surprisingly complex and derived from the original Evenki root word for "crazy postmenopausal white woman"...

William Evans implodes on facebook, threatens entire bigfoot world. Maybe. Hard to decipher.

Busy treetop.

"I Know what main streamer so-called go wrong.  First to Obtain the best film is day time not night.  second this should be a spiritually path and not a good time fellas fire camp talk. Even thought it is nice I will admit. I have always stress no guns and it is for a reason. That is you must drop your fear of living and dieing It is only a fear that you can not battle so drop it and it is almost gon..."

Chowbunga has been summoned for translation/possible intervention.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Blobsquatcher spots WW2 era M3A1 Half-track where Bigfoot should logically be.

"The soldiers in those half-tracks can't be more than two inches tall! How did they shrink them? Maybe it happened during the time phase-shift from WW2."  More details about the pint-sized invasion to come.

Tom Biscardi Finds Bigfoot in Las Vegas

Truly a man without fear.

I will continue to publish this picture until it is not funny.