Saturday, April 14, 2012

Chowbunga reminds groupies, squatchettes he is still available for stud service!

With the spring sasquatch rut season still in full swing (and the Heretical Bigfoot offices in temporary skeleton crew mode) our primary correspondent and Bigfootses Mindspokesperson Chowbunga reports that there is still "plenty where that came from" and invites the ladies to join him for drinks and frolic in the back of his vintage 1977 custom van Rolling Musk, currently found parked behind the Forest Lodge Motel on Highway 96 in Happy Camp, California!

Chowbunga says "Like Millenium Falcon. She may not look like much, but she got it where it counts."  

Chowie also wishes to clear up some misinformation and rumor that has run rampant through the internet squatching world of late.  As to the stories that his sexual prowess has suffered due to encroaching competition from outsiders from the North:

Chowbunga: "Yeah.  Right.  Me hear Yeti just as broken down as him van.  Next question."

And as far as his recent trip to the Mercy Medical ER in Siskiyou County:

Chowie:  "Yes, it true.  Me almost choke on shoe.  In fog of passion, me get confused and think "tips" mean "beef tips" and make mistake.  It happen to us all.  Me little hoarse but get back in saddle next day."    

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Chowbunga reviews Ancient Astronauts/Bigfoot crossover show... sort of.

Chowbunga joins the ranks of blobsquatchery.  Admits defeat.

"Me try.  Me really do...  But me admit me have hard time keeping track of what show about because hair of host human Giorgio have hypnotic effect.  Me swear me see Chowpappy and Chowgranny in him coif-- but HOW POSSIBLE!?!  They long dead.  Then see cousin and old girlfriend and other bigfootses me not know cavorting through Giorgio's locks and give up all hope of show make sense!  What look like small piece of pie lodged in him beard really tiny baby squatch like William Evans always see.  Me have to lie down..."

When pressed for further details early this morning, Chowbunga merely shrugged and said "Me no know.  How they all get in man's hair?  Maybe Aliens.  Respect to Giorgio, though, him powerful meme."

Check out to conduct your own research and uncover the truth.

Monday, March 5, 2012

After cheap fireworks show fails to attract sasquatch, FINDING BIGFOOT team vows to pull out big guns!

After rousing only a pack of appreciative coyotes with a fireworks display during last night's Indiana-based episode, Matt Moneymaker and crew have declared that the third season opener of Animal Planet's FINDING BIGFOOT will feature more than bigfoot ever bargained for: the firing of a self-propelled M109 Army Howitzer! 

All intelligent animals move towards fiery explosions and loud noises which could be perceived of as an attack.

"If this doesn't shake the fuzzy bastards into view, I don't know what will!" shouted James "Bobo" Fay during a test barrage at the United States Army Field Artillery School at Ft. Sill, Oklahoma earlier today. Rumors that the light-suited Utah chapter of the Flying Elvises skydiving team are being held in reserve as a possible future sasquatch attractant remain unconfirmed at press time.

Big guns for bigfoot: Size comparision of squatch, M109 and average human.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Bigfoot community in violent uproar over ridiculously clear and focused picture of possible sasquatch!

The shot seen 'round the web.  Courtesy of Melissa "Hellcat" Hovey.

By now you've all seen it and probably had your eyebrows singed off by the firestorm of controversy this image has generated, but bigfootologists and squatchbloggers in every camp-- from the hoaxer-in-a-suit to the real-deal-out-for-a-meal, from the neurotoxic rhododendron to the luscious loquat, from the sincere- investigator-just-looking-for-an-answer to the cackling-villainess-out-to-get-rich (Oh yeah, lotta bucks in the bigfoot biz, just ask my broker.  Not.) -- ALL agree on one aspect of the startling photo:

It's just too freakin' CLEAR.

Almost offensively, obscenely so.

So in the interest of honest scientific inquiry and an effort to restore some semblance of order to a world shaken, stirred and completely unaccustomed to clarity and focus in imagery related to their elusive quarry, the staff of Heretical Bigfoot have contracted with renowned Sasquatometrist Dr. Evan Williams to reduce the image to acceptably viewable levels.  Using the latest in his patented "de-enchancement" technology coupled with heavy ingestion of cheap beer and medical-grade marijuana, Williams will reveal the hidden mystery this picture so desperately needs to be embraced by all.

Dr. Williams dons his specially-filtered eyewear.

Stage 1:  Clearly outrageous.
Stage 2:  Williams adds realistic blur with noticeable results.
Stage 3:  Tree branches and custom degradation bring the image to life.
Stage 4:  Hand notation and viewing instructions reveal the figure in all its glory!

Is everybody happy now?  We know we feel a whole lot better and are now prepared to join Facebook/Find bigfoot in their coveted A+++ rating of the de-enhanced image as completely authentic!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Bigfooter reveals conclusive evidence of his own existence!

"Species confirmation is right around the corner... I can feel it!" declares 40-year veteran field researcher Tom Friend"I may have the reputation of being wily and elusive, but I can't remain hidden forever..."    


Saturday, February 18, 2012's Rick Dyer SO hot on trail of sasquatch that his RV bursts into flames on Florida Interstate!

Dire Dyer Fire in I-4.  Proof positive that some internet squatchers will do anything for media attention. 

We're happy to report that none of Mr. Dyer's family, friends or pets were harmed during the conflagration that shut down a Florida interstate on Thursday evening, but the internet is buzzing with speculation about the origins of the mysterious RV fire that consumed all of the controversial bigfooter's "equipment" --from night vision gear to rumored high-powered rifles, giant gas bombs and buckets of roadkill-- and just what he was doing in the Sunshine State anyway.  It was largely believed that Dyer was headed north to Canada to actually hunt down and kill a sasquatch, as proclaimed on his website, but since Canadian officials had responded to worried queries from others in the bigfoot world about the boast with outbursts of raucous laughter and promises to detain Dyer at the border, it now appears he was rolling south to the safer, warmer confines of Florida for a relaxing vacation instead.

The equally notorious Tom Biscardi holds up the most ironic image in bigfoot history.

Followers of bigfootology will recall that Rick Dyer was one of the infamous "Georgia Boys" who brazenly attempted to hoax the world with a cheap bigfoot suit stuffed with roadkill innards, frozen solid, and sold to the astoundingly credulous (and some say complicit hoaxter) Tom Biscardi for $50,000 in the fall of 2008.  Years of claims, counter-claims, badly-spelled blog attacks and low-grade documentaries have flown between the principals in the affair as a result, keeping the level of discourse slightly more entertaining than pro-wrestling shout-downs and chair-braining. 

Follow the link below for the latest chapter in the continuing drama, replete with requisite media smirking!


Friday, February 17, 2012

Heretical Bigfoot writer inexplicably the first to apply tiresome "Come at me bro" meme to bigfoot!

The heavens opened, choirs of hirsute angels sang and newly-minted money fell from the skies over Louisville, Kentucky earlier this evening when the blogger known only as The Heretic forged an unprecedented bond between the worn out Jersey Shore-inspired internet meme COME AT ME BRO with an image from a 1976 bionic bigfoot episode of The Six Million Dollar Man.

History truly is made at night.  Often by the really, really bored.