Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Grab those cameras and hit the streets: It's National Gorilla Suit Day!

Was Don Martin trying to tell us something?
The Heretic is no slouch, so in the fine old web tradition of ripping off other folks' content, he'll just lift from Tom Richmond's terrific blog entry (which you can find a link to below) to lay it all out for you: 

"Yes, it’s that day again… the national holiday that isn’t officially recognized (yet) but one we all look forward to the other 364 days of the year. Yes, its National Gorilla Suit Day. What is National Gorilla Suit Day??? Are you joking?!? It began, as almost all nonsensical and idiotic things do, with MAD magazine artist Don Martin. A series of cartoons in the 1964 book Don Martin Bounces Back! concerns the misadventures of Fester Bestertester and his railings against various gorilla suit companies and the holiday National Gorilla Suit Day. Proving that Don Martin was about 40 years ahead of his time, his National Gorilla Suit Day paved the way for lesser imitations like National Talk Like a Pirate Day..."

So it's the perfect day to spot a squatch-- or a reasonable facsimile of one-- and gain temporary internet fame and fortune (followed swiftly by derision, defamation and unbridled hatred) by posting any blurry pix you might snap!

Sources close to the Sasquatch People have mindwhispered that it's common to find real bigfootses lurking among the hairless population on this day, cleverly disguised in cheap, shoddy gorilla suits, so we highly recommend loitering in large public restroom facilities to pounce upon potential authentic specimens who may choose to relieve themselves there.

This could be your lucky day.  Or not.

And, finally, there is strong corroborative evidence that the late Martin was aware of this bigfoot custom, as illustrated by a telling panel from his original 1963 research illustration:

For more info on this glorious but little-known holiday visit: http://www.tomrichmond.com/blog/2009/01/31/happy-national-gorilla-duit-day/  but don't mention us.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Shocking Revelation: Jon-Erik Beckjord alive and well and living as a bigfoot on Earth's moon.

Long-range Hubble telemetric scan of Apollo 12 landing sight.

On the heels of Newt Gingrich's announcement that he would build an operating, fully-manned moonbase by the end of his second term if elected President of the United States, NASA today unveiled the startling image of what appeared to be an enormous sasquatch track crossing the known pathways of Apollo 12 astronauts from the 1970 lunar landing mission.  As part of a continuing effort of the space agency to debunk claims by conspiracy theorists that the moon landings were hoaxed, images of the original landing sites viewed by a specially-tasked set of lenses on the Hubble Space telescope are being regularly released to news agencies. But the seasoned team of scientists were unprepared for the discovery of the apparently fresh print earlier this week and the truly bizarre events which followed.  Visibly shaken imaging analyst Mark Williamson attempted to explain:

"The print came up on my scope and then wavered and became what appeared to be a size 13 low-cut hiking boot, then back to a bigfoot print.  At the same time a strange voice began speaking to me over my headset and I only had time to jot down a few words before it faded away into hysterical laughter."

Formerly deceased bigfoot researcher Jon-Erik Beckjord in a quieter moment.

A high-level security clampdown on the contents of the message was immediately instituted, but reporters for The Heretical Bigfoot were able to mindspeak with anonymous sources to produce a short, startling transcript:

Ha Ha Ha  It is I, Jon Erik Beckjord! I have slipped the bonds of space-time and now manifest myself on earth's moon to show you (garbled) dumbf**** and b**** who is right about EVERYTHING and always was!  You will never find what you are looking for in your own dimension so come and get ME I dare you Ha Ha Ha Ha Sorry about the name calling, sincerely, but you are all such stupid a**** and I can hold my breath for years here so f*** off...  Ha Ha Ha H

In possibly related developments, millionaire bigfoot research financier Wally Hersom was spotted Wednesday at a joint Lockheed/DARPA launch vehicle assembly plant with his famous "Bigfoot Express" hot-rod in tow.  Rumors that the '32 Ford was being retro-fitted with solid rocket boosters or possibly an even more exotic powerplant have been flying on internet chatboards and blogs and Animal Planet today announced casting calls for a new reality show called "Who Will Be America's First Bigfooter in Space?"  More details as they emerge.

To boldly go where no squatcher has gone before?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Chowbunga responds to gossip about possible alien DNA presence in adjacent human genome!

What they mean when they say DNA in my junk?!?

In response to articles coming out of Canada (see link below) and rumors of odd strains of apparent extraterrestrial origin turning up in sasquatch samples submitted to the Ketchum DNA Study, Chowbunga issued the following terse statement this morning:

"What all this hubub about alien DNA all mushed up with mine!?! I never even touch that big-eyed grey girl! At least me think not. It was big party... many Chowie groupies... much to drink... hot tub.  Me pee in cup if you want but talk to me lawyer if want more words!"

Chowbunga then went on to elaborate, with visual aids, about just what he looks for in a possible mate:

Not really me type.
Really not really me type.
OK, me tap that.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Chowbunga, Ketchum team up old-school superhero style to put hurt on Romney!

In response to president of humans candidate Mitt Romney's recent remarks about the absurd possibility of bigfoot being a hoax, Sasquatch DNA analyst and Chowbunga supporter Dr. Melba Ketchum issued the following smackdown on her facebook page:

"Rowwr!" say Chowbunga.

"I can't help but wonder what Romney will say when all is said and done. You can bet the news media will remember his comments and they will come back to haunt him, LOL."

Chief of Owl Tribe and Bigfoootses spokesman Chowbunga had typically harsher and more directly threatening words for Romney and the rest of humanity:

"What Melba say!  But forget comments, it ME Mitt have to worry about haunting him-- like maybe in woods or dark alley.  Gingrich (me not say what that name mean in native tongue, but think in terms of "open marriage with ferret" huh-huh) no better, so maybe me pick up Newt by ankles and swing him like club to SMASH Mitt and eliminate two men with silly first names with single blow!  God bless America."

Me thank you for your support.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Controversy erupts over claims of possible Bigfoot language!

It's language, but it's harsh, experts admit.

The fur and expletives flew at a recent conference on bigfoot studies in Yakima, Washington when sound and language analysts announced shocking evidence of a richly structured, wide-ranging vocal vernacular for the Sasquatch People.  The only apparent drawback is that the language is largely composed of foul and mean-spirited observations on humanity and the experts are hesitant to release transcripts of the translated tongue-lashings for fear of inciting throwdowns and payback on the woodland smartasses.

A partially censored transcript of a sasquatch conversation from October of this year is reproduced below:

"Did you see the f------ s--- the habituators left last night?!  G-- d---- mother f---- pieces of s---- better get off their a----"

Astounding as it may seem, the sasquatch are talking.  But they are talking smack and really need to shut up.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Anguished hiker sues habitual blobsquatcher: "Can't see the trees for the red circles!"

52-year-old outdoor enthusiast Martin Powell has filed a lawsuit against "bigfoot researcher" Steven Hoyt Marcum for allegedly ruining his enjoyment of nature's rich pageant.  Powell is seeking damages in excess of $100,000.00 for mental cruelty and suffering at the hands of the blobsquatcher for exposing him to "Red circles, arrows, and figure outlines" that he insists he now can't get out of his mind when walking through the woods.  When questioned about the charges outside of the Muhlenberg County, KY courthouse, an enraged Marcum responded "They're everywhere!  I've always seen them!  Are you blind?!?! There's one NOW!" whereupon he produced a tube of red lipstick and drew a circle on the forehead of reporter Randy Fox.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Prankster submits hair sample from 1976 Bigfoot Halloween Costume to Ketchum DNA project. Stunned when confirmed as authentic.

"100% authentic!" reports Robert Lindsay between posts about Catholic high school girls.

Hoaxer Evan Burnette was floored when the plug of synthetic crepe hair from the 36-year-old Ben Cooper kid's costume was confirmed authentic Grade-A Bigfoot in a registered letter from  DNA Diagnostics, Inc. earlier this week.  He immediately listed the full costume on eBay with an opening bid of $100,000.00 and is preparing to leave the country once payment clears (and before the full study is published).  Rumors that a Swanson Salisbury Steak TV Dinner and a roll of pre-1920 Buffalo nickels also tested positive for unknown hominid DNA remain unconfirmed.

The real deal?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

When the going gets tough, the research gets half naked.

Back, and to the left.  Back, and to the left.  Back, and to the left.

There comes a time in the quest for truth when you just have to lean back from the screen and ask yourself "Did I just read the words 'Crotch Location Concern' while looking at a faceless chick in her underwear doing the PGF strut?  Shouldn't I maybe go outside and play catch with the kids or work in the garden or... or... ANY of those things I used to do?"  Science is a harsh mistress.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bigfoot remains an unconfirmed species while asshole Texans exist in vast numbers.

Bigfoot walking away?

 A recent facebook exchange between famed Russian hominologist Igor Burtsev and "a fan":

Igor Burtsev: I dont understand, what is impressing here, sorry...

BG:  you might have to enlage it some to see it clearly. that black shape in the top was a bigfoot that my dad bob garrett caught on his cell phone as it was walking away from him.

BG:  I was in a part of the sam houston froest that is closed until oct 1 to jan 1 it is thousnds of acres.I was in the hunters camp when I smelled rotten eggs and I heard something comeing this thing blow passed over the road and I snaped this pic of its back. Blow it up and look again please

Igor Burtsev:  I understand so, that black is a spot on the bark with some leaves in front of it, nothing more, sorry. Or do you think that BF was hang up on the tree?

BG:  well thinks for looking at it.

BG:  well to be truefull i asked for your input becuse iam a fan i didnt know you were going to be such an ass about it i wont bother you again.

Igor Burtsev:  No matter, you are welcome!

We rib Igor from time to time for his association with "crazy-sasquatch-lady" types, but props to him for maintaining a classy cool while dealing with this Neanderthal.  You will note that Igor's command of English is also vastly superior.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Canadian cartoonist with hard-to-spell name still at the top of Chowbunga's reading list!

Forget all of those dusty tomes of eyewitness reports and boring trackways and toss that new age pandimensional diaper-wearing Kewaunee Krap out the window. Graham Romui... wait... Romieux... no... Roumieu's (?) hysterical trilogy of Bigfoot's soul-baring ruminations on life, fame, sex and mortality are the funniest things ever put on paper-- as well as the most scientifically accurate.  They're SO funny they are dangerous, and several people have nearly choked to death while laughing at their content.  Trust us, we have seen it. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Know your Squatch.

 Irrefutable evidence of... something ugly.

More bad news for Forest Friends: You're Bullshit.

From a site about Amerindian religion: "Unfortunately, the term "shamanism" has been misused in popular culture for many years. The entertainment industry has used "medicine man" and "shaman" interchangeably (and usually inaccurately) to describe holy men and women of Native America. The public began to assume that "shaman" was a Native American word, and that "shamanism" was a universal Indian Religion—but there is no universal "Indian Religion." There are hundreds of Indian Nations in North America, each with its own culture, language, and spiritual belief system. Many of these Nations are very different from one another in their religious traditions, and none of them describe their beliefs as shamanism."

Recent independent research has revealed the true definition of the word "shaman" to be surprisingly complex and derived from the original Evenki root word for "crazy postmenopausal white woman"...

William Evans implodes on facebook, threatens entire bigfoot world. Maybe. Hard to decipher.

Busy treetop.

"I Know what main streamer so-called go wrong.  First to Obtain the best film is day time not night.  second this should be a spiritually path and not a good time fellas fire camp talk. Even thought it is nice I will admit. I have always stress no guns and it is for a reason. That is you must drop your fear of living and dieing It is only a fear that you can not battle so drop it and it is almost gon..."

Chowbunga has been summoned for translation/possible intervention.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Blobsquatcher spots WW2 era M3A1 Half-track where Bigfoot should logically be.

"The soldiers in those half-tracks can't be more than two inches tall! How did they shrink them? Maybe it happened during the time phase-shift from WW2."  More details about the pint-sized invasion to come.

Tom Biscardi Finds Bigfoot in Las Vegas

Truly a man without fear.

I will continue to publish this picture until it is not funny.

William Evans drinks Evan Williams, sees Smurfs in trees.

Pictures don't lie, but they may stagger and slur.

Chowbunga attempts open communication with Kentucky squatchers. Catastrophic failure ensues.

In response to stick structures created and left in the woods as a warm welcome, he found the following posted in response:

"I FIND A LOT OF THEY IN Kentucky. Whats wild. Is some of them are over my head. Made with fresh trees. And there nothing that fell on them to make them lay that way. I never knew what they where till ......... told me a few years back. There area also so stome piles that are cool here. And the stones are from miles away."

Chowbunga admits defeat and knows not what the hairless ones speak of. 

Douglas Fir on bigfoot: No Comment

Recently overheard on the interwebs:

"Talking to trees is not new to me. I have felt their auras for years. If you haven’t then try it if you’re open to the experience at all. You can stand near a tree and feel the spirit and energy that emanates from them… especially the older trees. My new interest in talking to trees is to try to pick up impressions of things they’ve seen – Bigfoot in particular. I asked (using clairaudience) if the tree had seen a creature larger than a bear. This tree did not give me a positive answer and I don’t know if it was because it hadn’t seen Sasquatch, or if I wasn’t able to pick up the answer, or if I needed more time than we had to establish adequate communication..."

Or maybe it could have been because it was a tree.  The mystery deepens.